I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
