The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
