Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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