Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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