Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
