Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Randomize
