Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
