I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
