my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
