Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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