Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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