How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
