EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
