I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
