I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
