I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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