is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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