my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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