please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
