sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.