this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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