I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
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he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
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His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.