Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
