just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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