Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
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By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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