I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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