1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
