I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
