The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
