I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
