My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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