my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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