Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
