I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
