Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
