Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
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The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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