i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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