I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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