Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
