Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
