How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
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It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
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Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
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