i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
