I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
