I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
