I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
