you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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