Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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