Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
