i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
