Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
