you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
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