$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
