Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
