I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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