i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
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Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
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I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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