I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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